Wednesday, December 22, 2010

{2-day Hiatus}

I don't usually break from working - At some point in my day there's a good solid time frame of working at my desk, photographing, mailing items, posting, archiving, filing papers for taxes, you name it... but I had two entire days off and it kinda threw me off track! In more ways than one! Suffice to say - I almost NEED to work every day or I go a bit overboard on other things!! Oh yes, there's an upcoming post JUST about ... cookies. :)

But I got a lot accomplished. My house is absolutely spotless, laundry is done, 7 different kinds of cookies made and I spent time last night with some of my favorite girls in the world... My bunco girls.

I still have a lot to do yet but know that the next week will yield the time to get it all accomplished. Granted, solid work is lined up - and that includes a few all day and all nighters.. but I'm ready for it again. Breaks are important! Sometimes I forget the necessity of a break.

My days of reading a book with a mug of tea and a nice soft throw over me are nearing closer. Ahhh, quiet winter months & mostly indoor photography. :)

The holidays make me think more. My kids are home so they fight more. I don't realize how much I miss my sister until I explain to my 11-year-old son who is complaining about cleaning and helping his sister do chores that some of my very best memories were when I washed dishes EVERY night after dinner with my little sister. It was our job every night. I washed, she rinsed. I realized as I was trying to explain this to him that I was already broken down into tears. My voice of course wobbly and me standing there looking silly trying to teach him a lesson. My poor kids. They've seen me cry so many times over Jess. Brendon just simply hugged me and said, "Mom, I know you miss her. Holidays have to be hard. I know you just want to call her and wish her Merry Christmas, and you can't."

All of it, 100% accurate and said perfectly by my 11-year-old son. And even though that wasn't my intended method of correcting him - I think it made more sense than anything I could have said.

There are no cards or calls that come from those that have gone away. And oddly enough you sometimes still expect the call to come, any day. I suppose that even though reality deals you the hand that someone is truly gone... you never quite quit expecting or hoping for them to reappear in even a little way. I think it's part of grieving. It's silly. I know. But it's our longing in our hearts. Our heart and mind are two different things. Hearts long for impossible things when our minds know the vast improbability of it. The heart is such a fighter though. For until it reconciles finally with the mind that my only meeting with Jess again.. will be on the other side - this heart will always long to see her. Death is so final, but acceptance of it... lifelong.

Ask me how many times - especially around the holidays - I still say, "Can't believe she's gone."

Holidays are hard for so many people. Not just me. Somehow, in spite of the beautiful array that holidays bring on so many levels to each individual life - there are also so many awakenings to what is missing - in our hearts and minds - during this time of year. It could be about what we are lacking if we let it. Or... it could be that in life we will always lack something and maybe our focus is best shifted to the quiet snow or smell of holiday baking or catchlights in the eyes of little children as they look at a Christmas tree in wonder. It is afterall another holiday that I am still here to celebrate. It's always about shifting our focus to what is true, noble, right - of good report - and thinking on those things.

So after a small break I do feel a bit ready to return to my normal routine. A little sadness in what I miss this time of year... and always - but also very much gratefulness that I have today as a gift. Looking forward to the week and thinking of my many blessings.