Thursday, October 6, 2011

{Thankful Thursday}

I'm thankful for Thankful Thursdays.
It should be vulnerable Thursday. I'll be very transparent...

This week I don't feel like finding things to be thankful for. I feel like griping more than anything... but remembering all of the things I have to be thankful for... is a blessing itself.

It's been a sort of tough week. Anytime you come back from a trip it's tough in the sense that you are behind. I was already behind. :) It's another blessing to have that much work. I can't complain.

There is so much to do sometimes that it's truly overwhelming. I try my best to keep up. I drink enough coffee for 5 people and I'm not exaggerating. You know when your status update on Facebook reads something about coffee dialysis that it's time to put the coffee down and slowly walk away. 

Truthfully, I have been dreading this week for months.

It's a day away from October 7th now. It's been 3 years. More and more - the older I get - I realize so much is just out of my hands.

I don't care, even if it is out of my hands... I miss her.

Somewhere in the back of my feeble mind I keep thinking "you'll talk to her soon, she'll call." "it's just been a while... she'll be in touch soon." 

Of course the front of my feeble mind knows that the back is backwards. I will talk to her again someday, but not here on this earth.

Tomorrow, three years ago, my life changed... entirely in the form of a huge loss. Can't help but dread the anniversary. She'd be 31 by now, my sweet Jessy, born in 1980.

So what do we do when we anticipate a bad week/day? Well, everything else kinda sucks too. Your spirits are down. You're tired. Mentally and physically, emotionally just kinda, kicked.

In feeling overwhelmed, started picking my work apart, which.. all artists do. Bad week to do that though Jo. God gave me this gift, shame on me for doubting it. He gave it to me. He will use it for good.

You know how it is though. When you have a legit reason to be sad, everything else through that sad looking glass.... well it looks sad too.

I just needed to remember I am loved.
I have lost ... just like everyone else. But.. I'm still loved.

And I felt that today. I felt it when I opened a package from a friend a state away, a friend I never have met in person.. yet. But none-the-less, I've known that lovey for years... watched each other go through hard times, good times.

{Thankful.. for that Miami Jetty.}
{Thankful for the beautiful monarch butterfly mobile she sent me for my new studio}
It's made with real feathers, y'all.

And no it's not Christmas but also in the same day I did receive not one but TWO amazing pies from Das Essenhaus that were given to me by my awesome photography assistant/intern and her mom. Flavors? Cherry AND *drumroll please* Peanut Butter Chocolate Pie.

Are you kidding me? I've already had a huge piece.
{Thankful for Ashley... who is my assistant/intern}
{Thankful for Ashley... who is my friend}
{Thankful for Sharleen... who is Ashley's mom and brought interning to my attention to begin with.}
{Thankful for both of them... for bringing me two pies tonight after the session}

Nothing like pies and a butterfly mobile to make you smile when life ain't so peachy.


Miss my sister. Every day. Tomorrow will be difficult. I've got plenty to keep me busy.
You never forget where you were though. The moment you found out about one of your greatest lifechanging losses. So when that happens, I will look at my pretty butterfly mobile and eat another piece of pie.. and smile and think of Jessy and how she inspired me to remember to follow my dreams b/c life is so short.

{Thankful for Jessy. She taught me to never underestimate the power of one life's ability to change many.}
{Thankful that out of one of my greatest heartaches, came the drive to jump through the hoops of today. I know she'd be proud of me though I have a long way to go, she'd be proud.}