Friday, August 9, 2013

{Mexico + Josephiney | 08.2013}

Humidity. Heat. Salty air, skin. Salsa music. Drinks with umbrellas.

The loud waves crashing - and the silence in your head... the kind that actually allows you to hear yourself think.

5 days. Flying through clouds. Memories of my sister. Sitting on beaches. Down time. Perspective.

I realized {when I had time to think during vacation} that I spend so many days running myself ragged. One frayed end to the next. I work and I am creative, but not for me. I do it to pay the bills. I am fulfilled by my job. Don't get me wrong. I freaking LOVE my job. LOVE IT. Sometimes I wake up thinking... what kind of boss do you want to be today Jo? Usually it's a mean one, and I get right to work. ;) I am creative and I surround myself with art. Music. Nature. Moments. All part of artistry. But that doesn't equate to the creative freedom that comes with being creative JUST FOR YOU.

There is a difference in photographing a session in my studio or outside, or a wedding - under timelines and guidelines .... and photographing on your stomach, in torn jeans, down with the ants and spiders, in a tall field of lets-get-lost-awhile. That... that is what I'm talking about when I talk about healing your soul.

I used to do projects. 365. Flickr. I gave it up. My life changed and it was necessary to work harder, longer. And I gladly do it for my kids to have what they need. But all along I felt it gnawing at me... that I was missing that part of me that those silly projects fed. My heart. My soul. The inner most parts of who I am came out in those projects. And I miss them... I know priorities come first. I am an oldest child, do you expect any part of me to change that priority recognition? No. :) But... sometimes it's so hard to balance finding time for YOU and doing what you HAVE TO DO.

Sometimes I get lost in my work.
When I'm not working, but I'm still shooting... Sometimes I find myself in my work.

I want to start finding myself more often.

So this year I took less. {though I admit, it doesn't seem like it, still crazy busy}
Weddings + Babies + Senior girls. That's all folks. The occasional familia.

Muy Bueno. Life is getting better. But it's still hard .. many days.
Life is a rough wooden wheel sometimes that runs us over. Crushes our spirit. Leaves us picking ourselves back up not the same. Seeking blame. Seeking truth. Seeking a way to heal.

I'm finally recognizing that the small ways to find yourself - are the same ways to heal yourself.

I spent this vacation doing much of nothing. Laying out with my friend. Making our way to the pool. Awesome dinners with silly Mexican waiters - twice our age hitting on us. Sleeping in. Mexican coffee - for real. SO good. Dodging ocean waves. Looking for seashells. Early morning walks alone. Some of the best time you can spend to heal your soul - is simply be alone. No words. Just observations of how the waves crash. With force they come up, and invariably retreat back into their start. I can easily photograph beauty in such a beautiful place... but what about broken shells + fallen sandcastles. A solo flower - still standing tall - stuck in the sand. Abandoned buildings. Footsteps walking away. Beautiful.

My favorite part of this trip was walking the beach and collecting shells for my daughter. Most of them were not perfect. I found a few prized shells I was quite proud of... but the beauty wasn't in what I found.. it was the experience I had collecting them and realizing that if you stand at the shoreline.. the sea will wash up much... much that is broken. But every once in awhile, you'll find something beautiful - to keep. Even in the broken selections. And the beauty was that it was thrown onto sand, discarded and damaged - it caught your eye and you picked it up. And for every broken piece you gathered - you mended a part of your soul that had been chipped away. Wind and waves, sand and sea.. healing the shore and you through broken bits.