{NYE | Personal}

NYE is today.

I have been told that I put a lot out there sometimes, and yes, I can be an open book. Part of being real is just that. But know there is much that is kept reserved. Over 1/2 of my life I have spent living with people who abused alcohol - to the point where I was in their crossfire - the name calling, shoving, hitting, yelling - the whole crazy train of feeling fear and disbelief. People who abuse alcohol can suck you into their dysfunction. Not necessarily with drinking like them - but tolerating it. Over and over. Trying to change them. Year after year. This is hardest with family because of the picture in your head of how it should be and sadly, it isn't. I learned early you cannot rationalize with a drunk person. Seeing it in their eyes - the black void - that nothing you are saying matters or even remotely makes sense - I think that acknowledgement has to be worse than what they are hurting you with verbally, physically or emotionally. That black void is a total disconnect of you to them and it is incredibly damaging. It took me a LONG time to realize that there was nothing I could do to prevent or change behavior like this - other than walking away from it and them. Adults can walk away from this, but sadly children cannot. Abuse of alcohol - whether episodic or chronic is a dysfunction. And dysfunction is toxic - not just to them but to you as well... and I'm talking about more than the liver.. I'm talking about the heart. Protect your heart... It is your wellspring.

So yes, I gave more chances more times than I should have because I wanted better for them - but all of us are different in what we tolerate. When someone else gave up, we still gave them another chance. And maybe it was a waste of time to someone else - but maybe we needed it for us to know we had done everything... to get to that point of washing our hands of it. Eventually we reach a very personal point where there is just no more toleration for the same old behaviors. It is a sad but liberating realization. You have a choice in what you allow. We all do. They do too. The turning point for most who keep trying to lead that horse to water is - I think - the constant state of denial. Those who abuse alcohol just can't see that it is their problem, they find reasons to blame everyone else for their behavior. This ignorance is a red flag that not much will be changing anytime soon. Their acknowledging the patterns of their abusive drinking and accepting that change needs to occur is required in order to have a healthy relationship with them.

My kids have never seen me drunk. {not that I have never been drunk} but I intend to keep it that way. Being the best mom to them that I can be is imperative. I am not anti-drinking. But my life has been affected by others drinking so I am very careful. I like a glass of wine in moderation on a Friday night at home before bed.... But if I am driving and my kids are in my car - I don't drink. Period. Not even one during dinner. They matter more than any drink. There is a time and a place for everything.

2014 will be a great year. I believe that. I anticipate it. I can't wait to watch the ball drop with my kids tonight. And I hope I am teaching them that alcohol is not bad, however how we partake and behave matters greatly... and has consequences. Alcohol can be a nice way to relax and celebrate for those of appropriate age, but when abused it can also be a dagger in a childhood, in a relationship.. and sometimes in a life.

Be safe tonight. ♥