And I need to blog.
It's been a challenging week, you could say that. Getting home from vacation and trying to play catch-up results in a lot of late nights and still never getting it quite done. This isn't a night of writing fluently and creatively. There's just a lot of jumbled thoughts. And quite frankly, I should have had a glass of wine - but instead I sipped some Jasmine tea b/c I'm trying to regain my voice.
Yesterday was the first time I cried over Jess in a few months. Most often I do well at not crying and rather refocus on something work/life-related other than her death. So when the tears come, I am almost always embarrassed and surprised at myself. Why? Why should I be? I should not think of grieving as a weakness. It's a stronger thing to grieve than to bottle it all up and not process it. Grieving takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to just exhale the residual pain in your heart. It never seems to leave - but keeping busy distracts from the recognition of how deep it is.
I saw a photo of myself and it looked like her. That was hard. Because it just hit me - looked like Jessy. In the same second, the recognition, "That's you Jo. Not Jess." What else to do but work harder, try to be better, push forward not looking back. My trip to CA had some odd reminders - the town we visited for two days had Monarch butterflies all over their town signs. Those little ways she still says hello to me. Her and I shared an identity of sorts. Through the reminders that I keep and surround myself with, through the reminders she gives to me.
I posted a photo today for my 365 project that was a self portrait. I really like it. I titled it "Identity".
"The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose." Richard R. Grant
It made me think. As most things do. What is wrapped up in identity? It's more of a personal thing in my opinion. Superficial too of course seeing those who have "similar identities", or a "physical identity". But even outside of that your identity ties in to your purpose. And you define your purpose - no one else does. You mold one in order to shape the other.
i·den·ti·ty
1. the state of having unique identifying characteristics held by no other person or thing
2. the individual characteristics by which a person or thing is recognized
I am honored when someone tells me I look like Jess. She was beautiful. Much more than I.
Losing a sister too soon in life has become part of my identity. It's part of why I chose a Monarch butterfly to represent my brand, my identity. It's the same identity that plays a part specific to falling apart and pulling myself back up still trying to calculate exactly, just exactly how she is actually gone. It's a hard thing to accept. Especially when you recognize your identity as being similar to one that was lost.
You wonder why your life was extended and hers cut short. And you think about purpose, and why was her purpose incomplete. Maybe "incomplete" is my only theory until we meet again. "For I know the plans I have for you." Jer. 29:11 - He has his purpose for taking her. I'm quite sure she's in charge of the shoe and purse departments in heaven.
Identity is seeing your mother's hands in your own. Though you are not her. Identity is then accepting that another's fate is not your own. That identities are individual though similar. Identity is how you view your trials, misfortunes, successes, failures and soaring accomplishments as part of you. It is also the family members you identify yourself with that also accompanied their own trials, misfortunes, successes, failures and soaring accomplishments before you. They too are your identity.
I've thought a lot about my own identity this week. How other's know me, how I know myself. Where I come from. Where I'm going. What others expect from me, what I expect from myself. The values that identify me as a person. The values that identify my business. Sometimes others do not identify them the same. So identity, once again... a very personal thing. A lifelong process to identify yourself without drowning in all the noise around you. But what a joy to tune out the noise and find your purpose.
