I looked at this photo and loved it. And then I saw the dirt on my knees and laughed. How many of us photographers have dirty knees from shooting on your knees. I have a few jeans with holes in them in fact. I could have edited it out. But I started thinking about it on a deeper level. My dirt is part of me.
I have some dirt. I have some wrongs. Plenty enough to know I am very imperfect. Enough to know I am scarred. Enough to hope someone who loves me will too share imperfect scars... and more importantly... love mine.
I had a friend send me this quote below yesterday. And I read it many times ... pondering it. So many of us are looking for that perfect person. So so so very much though of just looking begins with self-introspection. Of who we are. The good, bad and the ugly. Where am I not just right in life - but man oh man.. where have I been wrong?
"We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. Let our scars fall in love.” ― Galway Kinnell
I read this line over and over...
"It takes a lot of living to grow into your own wrongness."
When I was 20 I was pretty green. Add almost 20 years and much about me has changed in my rights and wrongs. As it is for most of us.
Why don't we see our imperfections and wrongness? Sometimes we are too immature. Our pride blocks us. Our guilt. Inexperience with life hasn't taught us yet all the wisdom there is to know. There are so many reasons. But what is truth is that it takes a LOT of living to grow into knowing the ways you have failed yourself and others. Time is truth. And time always reveals truth. Accepting it is optional. But let me tell you, knowing truth is a light-bulb-turned-on kind of moment. Once you finally can see your own scars in the light, study them, analyze them rather than hiding them in darkness (where it's easier to pretend they don't exist) much begins to grow within you that is right. Examining not just the scars OTHERS created for you, but the ones you created for yourself. The ones you gave others. Once you assess the damage and take accountability for it, THEN and only then are you ready to fully be here. Ready to be present in living and loving. But... this requires admission of our wrongs. A serious heart to heart with yourself. About how you failed. YOU. Not them. Not anyone else. But what about all those things you did right? Nope. Just you and your wrongs.
We can't change others. We never will accomplish that. We can spend the rest of our life feeling utterly disappointed by the ways other people hurt us. (And oh, they will btw.) Seething in our anger at the injustice of what they did?? What they said?? Sure, you can ride on that merry-go-round awhile until you sicken of how it makes YOU feel, not them. We can blame the poor choices we made because they hurt us first. But... shifting blame doesn't take away that there were wounds that created marks... doesn't change a darn thing. You still have those scars that you suffered and those you created.
The only control we have in changing anything about us is accepting ourselves, not as wronged,
but as wrong.
You don't need to forget that the biggest scar you carry was inflicted by another. That is your lesson to keep. That first cut may have been the deepest, but you too have your wrongs. We all do. Learning doesn't come from being right, it comes from being wrong. The first step to analyzing, searching and loving anything is starting within ourselves. Want to give your heart away to be loved by anyone? Dig out the bile from its trenches first. Figure out the scars you have first... and why. Examine them. Clean out the chambers with acknowledging what is wrong within before you allow anyone in. Didn't your mother tell you to clean house before having company over? We have to clean up our mess. Our wrongs aren't pretty when left unattended and unaddressed.
A scarred heart need not be perfect, just inhabitable.
This is how God loves us. Recognition of our wrongs. We are wrong.. but grace makes us the right kind of wrong person. It takes time to accumulate enough wrongs to appreciate what's right in life. Enough losses to appreciate a win. Once you can stop pointing blame at everyone else, and examine your heart, its scars and ruddy black marks - and really examine it in the light so you can repair it, clean it - you just might find someone important that can love you and your scars...
You.
And when you are able to truly love you, a wrong person, collectively scarred such as yourself... you might then be able to fully love and appreciate the collective scars of another.
